Leonardo DiCaprio
“I’m in this 8-by-8-foot cell, and the walls are painted off-white, and there’s a cot in one corner. There’s a steel door on one wall, and on the opposite wall there’s one tiny window, way up high. If I jump up, I can see that it looks out over the water, with no land in sight. I’m there for what feels like hours, and suddenly I hear someone approaching. The footsteps get closer and closer, until they stop right outside the door. A food slot in the bottom of the door opens up, and a tray slides in, but instead of food, it’s got a suit on it, and a fake mustache. A window in the door slides open, and there’s Marty Scorsese, with this crazy grin on his face. ‘Time to make another movie, Leo,’ he says. ‘This time you’re a claims adjuster who gets mixed up with the Chinese Triads.’ Then he closes the window and I hear him walking away. I try to put on the suit, but all the pant legs and shirt cuffs have been sewn shut. Then I wake up.”
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
“I’m on the set of 3rd Rock from the Sun, and everyone is there, French Stewart and Kristen Johnston and John Lithgow and Jane Curtin, and we’re laughing about something when one of the producers comes in and tells us that the show’s been cancelled. We’re all sad, of course, and John says, ‘Well, we had a good run. Fifteen years is nothing to sneeze at.’ I do a double take and ask him to say that again. Then I realize — I’m the same age I am now. I’m not a kid. It’s 2010, and I’ve been doing the show since 1996. I go to a computer and I look up my IMDb page, and I never did Brick, or The Lookout or Stop-Loss or (500) Days of Summer — just 3rd Rock. In fact, the only movie I’ve done is G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. The room starts spinning, and I start breathing heavy and that’s when I wake up screaming.”
Ken Watanabe
“There’s a grassy field, and it’s littered with the bodies of dead samurai. I, too, am dressed like a samurai, and I am the only one left alive, so I draw the only logical conclusion and say, aloud, ‘I am the last samurai.’ But then behind me I hear a voice say, ‘Ah-ah-ah!’ I turn, and there is Tom Cruise, in full samurai armor. ‘I am the last samurai,’ he says. I try to correct him, but he walks over to a couch — I don’t know where it came from, but it is in the field now — and starts jumping up and down on it, saying ‘I AM THE LAST SAMURAI! I AM THE LAST SAMURAI!’ Then I look down and see an arrow sticking out of my chest, and that’s when I wake up.”
Ellen Page
“I’m in the delivery room, and I’m in labor. It’s not painful, but I feel — off. There’s something wrong. Also, I notice that I’m wearing roller skates. The doctor, who’s Drew Barrymore for some reason, tells me to push, and I do, and I hear the nurses kind of gasp. I ask what’s wrong, but no one will tell me, not Nurse Eve or Nurse Juliette Lewis or anybody. I push one more time, just so I can see what’s wrong with the baby, and suddenly Michael Cera comes out, fully grown and covered with afterbirth. ‘Ellen, what’s up?’ he says. ‘Wanna get a burrito after this?’ I scream, and that’s when I wake up.”
Cillian Murphy
“I’m on a film set with Michael Caine, and we’re both wearing suits and talking about the weather or something, and suddenly Chris Nolan is there, and he steps out from behind the camera and says ‘Action!’ I immediately launch into dialogue for my Inception character, Robert, but when it’s Michael’s turn, he just looks at me blankly. I turn to Chris, and he says, ‘Uh, Cillian?’ I realize what I’ve done and slap my hand to my forehead. I apologize to everyone, and have them call ‘Action’ again. This time I launch into my Scarecrow dialogue from Batman Begins, but once again, everyone looks confused. Chris walks up to me: ‘Cillian, what are you doing?’ I ask, ‘Isn’t this Batman?’ He says, ‘No, this is 28 Days Later.’ And I turn back to Michael and see that he’s turned into a zombie, and he lunges for me, and that’s when I wake up.”
Tom Hardy
“I’m on stage at a Star Trek convention, and I’m wearing my Shinzon makeup and costume from Star Trek: Nemesis. Sitting next to me are Leo DiCaprio dressed as Captain Kirk, Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Mr. Spock, Cillian Murphy as McCoy and Ellen Page as Uhura, and we’re all answering audience member questions about Inception. Suddenly, a Klingon in the audience stands up and shoots Leo in the chest, and the whole room erupts into chaos. Ellen shouts for Cillian to do something, but he tells her that he’s an actor, not a doctor, so she looks at me and begs me to help, and I look at Leo and he’s clearly dying, so I say I’ll do what I can. I grab a ball-point pen and a microphone cord and I’m about to perform surgery when I realize I have no idea what I’m doing. Luckily, that’s when I wake up.”
Marion Cotillard
“Je suis dans une chambre grande, et il y a une table dans le centre. Sur le table il y a beaucoup de Egg McMuffins. J’adore les Egg McMuffins, et j’ai faim, ainsi je mange Egg McMuffin apres Egg McMuffin, jusqu’à j’ai mal d’estomac. Ensuite, Ronald McDonald entre la chambre, et il dit, ‘Pourquoi mangez-vous mes Egg McMuffins?! Je vous tuerai!’ Il m’approche rapidement, et je note que c’est Johnny Depp, et il a un pistolet. A cet moment, je reveille.”
Michael Caine
“So I’m at this big premiere, right? I’m walking the red carpet, and a reporter stops me, and he asks what it was like making the film, and I realize that I have no idea what movie I’m at. I didn’t even realize I was in it. I improvise an answer, saying how much I like the director and all that, and I go inside to find my seat, and I see that Sean Connery is there, and Clive Owen and Morgan Freeman and everyone I’ve ever done a movie with. I sit down in the balcony, and the theater is full of everybody I’ve ever known in my life. The lights go down, and this movie starts, this fantastic movie about my life, in which I play all of the parts. I don’t remember a thing about making it, so I decide to sit back and enjoy it, and it turns out to be really well-done indeed. It’s a little long, though, and of course I know how it ends, so eventually I nod off and have a dream where I’m a pirate. Weirdest thing.”
Christopher Nolan “I’m on the set of Batman 3, I don’t know what it’s actually called, and I’m approving Christian Bale’s new bat-suit. It’s got some added details, but I’m not paying too much attention. Then I see the suit for Robin, and he’s played by Zac Efron. Then I approve Christina Hendricks’ Poison Ivy costume, and Michael Chiklis’ Mr. Freeze costume. Then I look out over this massive set we’ve constructed, and it’s a giant ice rink populated by these armored hockey players. And I realize: I’m not me, I’m Joel Schumacher, and I’m making Batman & Robin. That’s when I woke up, called Warner Bros. and quit the franchise.”
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